Hi! This is a humor piece I wrote for “Tweakonomics”, my column in the Hindu Business Line, on the IPO done by Café Coffee Day. You can see the article at http://www.thehindubusinessline.com/opinion/columns/coffee-and-the-sensex/article7766480.ece. Else, read it here directly. Enjoy!
As CCD gets more stock savvy, there are major changes at its counters. The staff is being trained to understand the stock appetite of customers so that you can be offered the right coffee.
The basic humble cappuccino is for stock market novices. Do you put all your savings into FDs? Do you have crores invested into life-and-other insurance products? Do you buy gold for that rainy day? Aah! And you’ve just started that SIP, but you’re disturbed, eh? Awright, you stock novice! Enjoy the cappuccino. It’s an Italian espresso smoothened with steamed and foamed milk. Just like you’ve smoothened the stock risk with gold and insurance.
And then there are those unfortunate mega-bulls. Even when the Sensex goes to 28500, they say with childish enthusiasm, “We’ll sell when it goes to 29000!” These new-Newtons believe that whatever goes up has to go up even more, and immediately. The poor idiots are always latte in selling and drive their investment managers crazy. We’ve analysed your stock persona! Have the Hazelnut Latte, with espresso representing your indomitable spirit with the essence of those you’re driving nuts!
Oh, and you are quite the opportunist, aren’t you? No long-term investments, no brand loyalty. You go where the money is, you are impulsive, always trading. Hmmm. The quintessential Dalal Street types, always on the lookout for the best “mauka.” Yessir! Try out Cafe Mocha, our special beverage combining the hot milk of risk appetite with opportunity, that sinful chocolate sauce!
How interesting! In enters the modern woman fund manager. This is a new day combination. Modern, yet tied to the roots. Packs off the kids to school in the morning and creates hungama on the markets through the day. Uses technical analysis to forecast stock movements, but will also use her womanly sixth sense to predict what to buy.
Her life is a milk shake, with different influences blending into one wonderful, heady drink. She has just entered a cafe, but to offer her a coffee would be far too mundane. This is one tough customer, alright, but we’ve got just the right beverage for you! Introducing the Blushberry Frappe, chunks of strawberry in a shake topped with whipped cream.
For the old hands, those who’ve spent their life dabbling in stocks, go for the traditional Hot Tea. Newbies, go for the Fruiteazers, but beware of the “Meltdown”! For those who continue with their reckless investment pattern despite bad experiences, there’s “Devil’s Own”. After all, it’s better to have traded and lost than never to have traded at all. For those whose mood depends on the Sensex level, there’s the “Cold Sparkle”. And for those who’re now philosophically rather than fiscally following the Sensex, there’s “Kaapi Nirvana”.
Futures traders can take coffee beans home at today’s price to enjoy coffee at the same price in the future. Try AROMA instead of ARIMA models! Those who don’t desire customised intervention can take away the vending machine.
The “Tropical Iceberg” is the derivatives offering, with layers of chocolate and other gooey stuff, with coffee as the underlying security. CCD is also tying up with insurance firms to give you a full ENT check-up, should you feel a bit uneasy after trying those icy drinks; that’ll mark the foray of CCD into more exotic products such as Coffee Default Swaps.
The indicative price of the IPO is ₹328 per share. Forgo 3 coffees today, to enjoy a lifetime of coffee. Open for business!