Hi! The draft encryption policy created by Deity (Department of Electronics and Information Technology) has created a lot of excitement in Silicon Valley! This spoof appeared under my satire column “Tweakonomics” which I write for the Hindu Business Line. You can read it at http://www.thehindubusinessline.com/opinion/divine-comedy/article7694952.ece. Else read on…Enjoy!
Silicon Valley is thrilled to bits and bytes. The Draft Encryption Policy by the Department of Electronics and Information Technology (DEITY) has been nothing less than a godsend for GOD, the Gathering of Developers. Even as the Indian PM goes into the valley to charm the IT honchos, the Deity has already got their attention fully.
Store all electronic communication, unencrypted, no matter how private, for 90 days? How exciting! Mark Zuckerberg was moved to tears on spying this huge opportunity. What! Save the FB status updates for 90 days! The Indian government is really making me feel special. Given that there are some 5 million status updates done in a day on FB in India, 90 days storage means a database of 450 million status updates! That is not a cloud computing opportunity, folks, its a crowd computing one. This itself would create billions of dollars in wealth and add another 2000 people to the FB employee base.
He is now thinking of launching the FB Utsav, along Star Utsav lines. FB will only show the new updates while the older data will automatically go into the FB Utsav memory. FB Utsav will also have an automatic tie-up to the regular FB; when you open your regular FB account, the Utsav account will tell you “You had received 326 likes 3 months ago” making you feel instantly wanted and desired and maybe also a bit wistful.
This’ll enhance the emotional connect between FB and the user. There’ll be more scope for emoticon development as well, as newer shades of wistfulness and jealousy get identified by the user. Pixar is looking animatedly happy about this and Disney stocks have been rising ever since the Deity announced their grand storage plans last weekend.
FB Utsav will also host a real- time webcam option to capture the emotions on the user’s face when she sees her slim image from 3 months ago. This, together with the speed with which the user surfs away from the page, will give rise to a new fitness-panic index, say psychologists. Higher the speed, more is the speed with which dieticians and gyms will advertise on your FB account. This should give a total business boost of $5 billion, say Ad Gurus and fitness professionals.
FB Utsav will further carry an add-on option of telling you “This guy has not liked you in 3 months now, the bugger” and will immediately flash “Remove inactive friends” button at you. Optionally, the Utsav platform will automatically “unfriend” people who are not that fond of you, helping you to manage your life better.
Once the FB Utsav steadies as a product in India, its global counterpart FB Nostalgia would be launched. Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks, has already started bidding to get FB Nostalgia launched exclusively at Starbucks Cafes, since nothing helps nostalgia along like the aroma of coffee. CCD has urged the PM to make nostalgia in India and to secure exclusive rights for Utsav and Nostalgia only for the Indian chain.
Tim Cook has decided to come out with a special iPhone for India. Only, it’ll be called “we-phone 90”; 256 GB local storage, at ₹90,000.
IMF has heralded the move by the Deity to be a supreme move by India to make sure that the global recessionary winds do not persist. Even though the draft Encryption Policy has been withdrawn, there is now pressure that it be re-instated with immediate effect in global interests. New ideas, apps and platforms are in line. All that is needed is the policy. Make it in India.