The opening scene is Kremlin, where a worried (but outwardly unrelenting) Vladimir Putin is thoughtfully buttering his early morning toast, hoping that the rouble will sort itself out on its own.
Obama (This does not have to be THE B Obama…its just that Putin’s best friend’s name is also Obama) : Vlady, its just a bad case of Murphy’s Law. Its just that the sanctions had to happen just when the Saudi buggers decided to keep the oil prices low. Effectively, that’s what we are. Russia falling butter side down.
Vlady: I just hate this thought stream because its too…karma, if you know what I mean? There is an equal chance of the toast falling butter side up, 50%, Murphy be damned.
Obama (Eating his eggs sunny side up): But Vlady, there’s no butter side up for us. The Sunni side up in the Middle East has made it a real tough egg…err…I mean, look at all the numbers; everything is against you. The inflation is hitting 9% and FOREX reserves are down to $400 billion, about $100 billion of debt maturing this year and sanctions on rollovers, hardly any exports, and the rouble..
(Just then the TV screens show that the rouble has hit a new low of 90 to a dollar and Vlady drops the toast)
Obama: OMG, that’s butter side down! I told you, Vlady, its butter side down.
Vlady: Oh heck. Don’t get so excited Oby. I just buttered the wrong side!
Enters Sigmund and looks with total fond approval at Putin and at his unabashed Freudian reasoning capacities. That’s the way the Freudians work: They reason in such a way that you can’t possibly disprove their reasoning.
Sigmund: Lie on the couch Vlady and tell me, what is it that worries you. Where id was, the ego shall be. But id is so small damn it, how did you fill its place such a super sized ego.
Vlady: Crimea has always been an integral part of Russia in the hearts and minds of people!
Sigmund: Oh, this is wonderful! Tell me Vlady, tell me, why do you think that Crimea belongs to the Russians?
Vlady: Because…it has always belonged to the Russians!
Sigmund: This is delicious. Yes, yes, I begin to see. The post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy complex.
Vlady: Talk Russian, will you?
Sigmund: After this, therefore because of this.
Vlady: After this session, Oby, I swear I will therefore because of this man, kick you real hard.
Oby (disturbed): Guys, focus..don’t let your personal issues get Russia down. The principle of parsimony. Occam’s razor. Keep it simple folks..Vlady, you were saying…
Vlady: Everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds. So, Crimea belongs to Russia!
Sigmund (impressed): I never thought I’ll see the day when politicians confound me with Leibniz. But my dear man, illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.
Vlady: What the hell was that? Illusion? 90% of Crimeans favor secession. The referendum was absolutely in accordance with international law…ask Oby, I told his namesake as much on phone the other day but he wouldn’t listen to me. If he got the Nobel Peace Prize, I will get the Noble Piece Prize…because Crimea..belongs…to…Russia
Obama : Now, now, Vlady, don’t get all worked up. We’ve got’em anyways…and the sanctions too, by the way. Ok, ok, don’t look all fiery…what’s some sanctions anyways? But remember why I got Sigmund here…ask him about the lady. The German.
Vlady: Hmmm…I can’t understand her. She is such a quiet fighter, she is rather like me, but very different.
Sigmund: Ach so mein lieber mann…go on…tell me…who is this lady who entices you so..
Vlady: Entices, my foot. She is one hell of a problem, Angela. She has got the entire Eurozone convinced that sanctions against Russia are justified. Just a few days ago, the Polish Tusk…
Sigmund: Ah, my child…now I start seeing the pattern. When you visited the zoo in your childhood, you were threatened by the elephant.
Vlady (yelling): Oh, heaven help me! I am talking about THE Tusk guys! The Polish PM…can you believe that he had the guts to levy sanctions on me, the mighty Putin. Poland? Poland? Who is Poland? Nobody. Its not Tusk, its the Angelephant behind it. Otherwise would Poland have the guts to talk to RUSSIA? Me vs. Angela is guns vs. butter. And this moppet doesn’t blink at the sound of guns.
Sigmund: The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?
Vlady: Then get the hell out of here. I want a solution to the Euro stand off. And I don’t have thirty years…oh god, that’s already one day spent on psychoanalysis out of the two years in which I have claimed Russia regains her original avataar.
Obama: Vlady, India on line.
Vlady: Yes, let me chat up. By Jove, its good to hear a friendly voice. Earlier, of course, when I called in March to tell’em that now Crimea is ours because it was always ours, I was met by friendly silence. Now of course, there’s lot of noise. Yes, put him on…Krem cho?
This blog is dedicated to the MBA Finance batch 2014-16 for having encouraged my ramblings on philosophy and Russia with unabashed enthusiasm. The book “Plato and the Platypus walk into a bar” has changed me forever and this blog takes off majorly on the anecdotes in the book. I am indebted to you, Pranav, always, for having given me this delicious read.